Time is quite awful some times. I don't mind waiting for things most times. But this is something that will be quite difficult. I already raided the bookstores today to look at the TFIOS signatures. Found some red and green ones.
As soon as I saw the book for the first time I couldn't stop smiling. And then I almost dropped the book when looking at the signature because my hands were shaking so badly (That was the first book outside of the Harry Potter series I had nerded out so badly over). But I had to force myself to put the books down. I knew I was supposed to get mine in the post.
But the lovely UPS company didn't deliver to me today. In fact they won't deliver till 3 days after the release date. Meaning I won't get my book till Friday the 13th. Just peachy.
To make up for not getting TFIOS today I went and bought the rest of John's books. I had already bought Paper Towns ages ago. I had just been too poor to buy the other ones (thank you holidays!).
So I now have An Abundance of Katherines , Looking for Alaska, and Will Grayson,Will Grayson to occupy me for the next three days until TFIOS comes. Which means this Friday will be a very good day. Thank goodness I'm not superstitious.
>Insert major topic change here<
I've come to think about a few things in my unintentional solitude for the past few weeks. Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't become crazy with the loss of human contact aside from my family members (Then again I was talking to ducks...). More the lack of conversation is what I miss than anything. I have this tendency to become unintentionally antisocial. Not because I am uninterested in others. More because I am just as content around other people as I am by myself (also I am very lazy).
I have this strange bit about when I am far away from people that I know (even the ones I love like my family) to not really miss them. For example, when I was dropped off at school about 5 months ago I didn't cry. I didn't feel homesick a few weeks later and call my parents saying that I missed them desperately. So that made me wonder if I was somehow messed up in the noggin or if I just had some weird emotional settings. I also came to the conclusion that I do not miss my friends that are at other colleges apart from my own (as well as the ones at my college that I don't get to see on break).
So then I wonder, do I have some weird adaptation to where when people that I care about are far away that I don't miss them desperately like my other friends do? Am I emotionally damaged or something? But I feel like none of that rings true for me. Because when I sit and think of an individual person that I know, I conclude that I do miss them. But I don't miss them at the same time. It's the same feeling I have about my family while I'm away from them. I don't miss them but I don't not miss them. If that makes any sense. I do crave human contact as much as the next person seeing as I love being around people and I love even more having fun and learning from those around me. I just don't get (or really want to get )that heart wrenching feeling of loss. I also don't want to get so caught up in my emotions(the negative ones) that I might miss out on something(which probably makes no sense).
This complex that I seem to have might be due to my being emotionally detached from people in general (but only from my side). But, I am also very in tune with the feelings of those around me at the same time. I just contradicted myself I know. Let's explain. I am generally unwilling to let people in. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's so that if I end up far away I won't hurt from missing them (see above paragraphs haha). It's probably more that I feel selfish when I get others involved in how I feel about things. I like to be the person that is there for others. I hate the feeling of being a burden (even if I am not I just hate the potentiality of it).
I have very willingly sat down with a random crying girl in one of the dorms and listened to her story for 3 hours. But I am fairly unwilling to be the talker myself. Now it probably sounds like I need therapy. Hah I'm probably a right mental case in reality.
But I never really bottle the emotions up. It is so time consuming to be angry or sad. So, if I am either of those I just go through the emotion and don't dwell on it later. I work out my frustration on my own by painting or writing or listening to music or reading. I don't see a point in burdening others (especially when I hear people say they hate whining). So I either don't bring it up or just make light of the situation and joke about it. I don't like to share my own emotions but I am very interested in the emotions of everyone around me. (Which is probably why both of my jobs include working with children believe me, they are highly emotional). However, if the situation requires it of me, I will share how I feel. I firmly believe in addressing a problem right when it occurs between people so that it doesn't allow the people involved to dwell on how they feel and grow their negative emotions towards something bigger than what they initially were.
I like to be the objective person and view things from a completely outside point of view. (Well who doesn't?) More so that when something happens I work really hard to understand the feelings from both sides of the story. I am not very good at picking sides because picking sides often causes problems (except in sports haha). But that being said, I do not have a political side. I actually hate politics (though I know a good bit about them). And though I agree with Anagha that political activism is a must for any society to function, I will be that hypocrite that probably won't vote (I know I'm awful ): sorry ) because I cannot stand the platforms of either side most times. I will agree with a few bits on each side but often never more with one than the other. That is how I am with most things (unless I am truly interested and passionate about it, but that doesn't mean I half ass things since I am interested in most everything).
I am the person who is always on the fence because often times people don't realize that a compromise is better than a single one sided solution. This being because I don't particularly care about my emotional well being publicly because I care more about other people. The way my thoughts work confuse me greatly. And I'm sorry if I confused you as well.
Well, I best end this while everyone thinks I'm nuts. But life would be boring if we weren't a bit weird. Next post from me won't be so dreary and serious and all life lessony and crap like that.
DFTBA
Sarah (:
(Sorry I wrote so much, I wish I could write a lot like this when it comes to writing papers for class! haha)
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